#my “kill your gay” disaster

[unknownarmageddon]

duddeeee killer’s “oh, fuck.”’s made everything so much more enjoyable [as if it wasnt already]

AND THE WAY MY HEART SANK WHEN HE RATTED HIMSELF OUT TO THE PUB

really goes to show what alcohol does to you,,, /silly

CACKLES CACKLES dude i’m so glad you liked it waaa holy shit

[screamlet]

wip wednesday

from the bucktommy, tommy pov fic that's eaten my life

another version of the first kiss (about 1k, lil bit explicit)

UPDATE: read the full fic - what are your intentions?

---

The plan doesn't involve kissing Evan, this man he's met three times. Disaster rescue, work tour, basketball disaster, Evan's apartment right now—four times. This is only the fourth time he's ever laid eyes on Evan Buckley, but Evan Buckley hasn't fucking blinked since he stepped into the room. 

Has Tommy?

Does he know?

Does Evan know the rules of queer engagement, which come down to:

3-7 seconds of eye contact: let's fuck

3-7 seconds of eye contact and eyes drop down to their lips: let's fuck hard, right now

3-7 seconds of eye contact and staring at their lips and their breath hitching in their chests and slowly gravitating towards each other from separate corners of this really nice kitchen/dining area: let's fucking ravage each other and leave no survivors, right now

Tommy doesn't think he knows. Tommy thinks that they're having a molasses-slow conversation about jealousy and desire and Evan can't stop staring at his mouth. He can't stop staring at his chest, too, and his arms—that hasn't escaped Tommy's notice. Evan's looking at him like he's never seen another person before and Tommy—

So is he…..?

He feels insane. He feels literally insane! He feels insane for feeling insane because if this was happening to anyone else, he would be standing up from his seat and yelling, KISS HIM ALREADY!!!!!!! BEND HIM OVER THAT DINING ROOM TABLE AND FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!! DON'T LET HIM BEG BECAUSE YOUR FINGERS ARE IN HIS MOUTH AND HIS EYES ARE WATERING BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING HIM SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But Tommy's breath is caught in his chest as he's staring at Evan's lips. His eyes won't look away from Evan's. His hands want to reach out and touch every part of him: his red cheeks, redder lips, his chest and hips and ass (and what he's packing). He also wants to kiss him. 

Does Evan want to kiss him? 

He comes closer, so Tommy comes closer. 

Donato was right: this is Jurassic Park where Eddie was the first raptor leading him here, and Evan is about to go in for the kill.

But is this raptor gay?

"I could teach you Muay Thai," Tommy says out of nowhere—nowhere. His neck hurts from following Evan's lead because Evan is tilting his head and coming closer, and closer. Tilting his head like he wants to fit his lips against Tommy's as they kiss. It's the head tilt. It's the head tilt! Does Evan know tilting his head is the gayest (clothed) thing a man could do in front of another man? Baring his neck, smiling coyly, biting his lip, staring obsessively at Tommy's lips—get the fuck out of here.

"Is that gonna be right after our flying lessons?"

Tommy's dumb. "Probably not on the same day."

"Good."

Evan hasn't blinked in about five years; neither has Tommy. 

"'Cause trying to get your attention has been kind of exhausting." 

Tommy realizes he hasn't been saying anything new. He's been echoing Evan's words because he's fresh out of his own. His stomach has been tight since he walked in and started having these thoughts that, maybe, Evan wants him and has wanted him, and that alone will change his and Eddie and Evan's dynamic (such as it is).

"My attention?"

Fuck fake mouth static, there's real static filling Tommy's skull, loud and demanding and overwhelming. Evan's still staring at him, mesmerized by him—by Tommy, of all people. Tommy's staring is caught up in Evan's staring, so. Fuck it. He does it.

He grasps Evan's chin—he has to, otherwise Evan won't shut up or stop tilting his head. He holds him still and kisses him. He feels this hunger inside, something that wants so much more from this kiss. If they were at some club or bar, this wouldn't be a problem. They would be tongue-fucking right now, or moving to a back room to hook up like other guys. Any other circumstance, maybe this would be the intro before the show. Maybe Tommy would have Evan bent over that dining room table, fucking him with the blinds half-open for anyone in the city to see. 

But that's not where they are. That's not who they are. It's Evan, Eddie's best friend, who wanted to be around Tommy so bad that he literally shoved Eddie aside to get his attention. Dragged Howie to play basketball when he himself hates basketball. Let Tommy into his apartment to apologize and eye-fuck him and bare open his soul.

Seriously, is he gay? 

Evan kisses him back. He's hungry, too. 

Tommy doesn't open his eyes yet. He's shaking a little and trying to hide it. He finally looks and Tommy can't believe Evan looks worse than before—pupils wide, mouth agape, shocked into silence. He can't stop staring at Tommy. Tommy doesn't know what to do now that he's here and blown someone's world wide open. He did that.

"Are you free Saturday?" It's what his mouth says and does so Tommy doesn't drop to his knees and suck Evan's brain out through his dick. He wonders if Evan's hard, dizzy and mind blown and hard as a rock.

"Yes, I—I am free."

Fuck. Fuck.

He could stay. They could handle this right now. Evan's bed is within sight. They could rush upstairs and he could hold Evan down and fuck him quick and hard. Tommy could get it out of both of their systems, then run off to work and maybe—maybe never talk to him again. Maybe Evan would be too embarrassed and it would smother his jealousy forever, and he and Tommy would see each other at group hangs, if even that. Maybe Evan would be interested, actually, and they could start up some secret casual fucking until Evan finds his next girlfriend and realizes that Tommy's just a phase.

But Evan can't stop staring at him. Evan is barely breathing. Evan, who doesn't shut up, can barely speak. Tommy doesn't want him to. He leaves before he can make some bad decisions of a kind that Eddie didn't think of, when they could—

They could do other things. Good things, maybe.

Saturday at 8:00. They could do something. 

[thrashkink-coven]

Okay here’s the hard part.

I think a lot about that guy, so called Jesus, and his philosophy of radical forgiveness and empathy. For a long time I thought that was just a line abusers use to force their victims to forgive them (AND IT IS)

But! I also think about Lucifer and the things he taught me regarding the concept of hell. If I was the ruler of hell and I had to manage all these terrible people, what would I do? Torture them? Give them endless suffering so they feel guilty? Do to them what they did to others so they can understand how bad it feels?

Latinos who voted for Trump, oh you disappoint me, but no, I don’t want you to be deported. Women who voted for Trump, *sigh*, no, I don’t want to see you get an ectopic pregnancy or carry your dead baby. No I do not want all those conservative gays to lose their right to marriage. And no, I don’t even want all of those fucked up fascist nazi racists to die.

It would be SO satisfying to see them get what they deserve, right?

God, I’m so sick of being apart of a species that loves to conquer. We bleed, they win, they bleed, we win. I’m sick of patching wounds. All I see is hellfire.

My friend Taylor Mcnallie is facing fraudulent charges because of an altercation that happened while she was protesting in Calgary. The bitch of a cop who assaulted her not only received no punishment, she got a fucking promotion. I remember during one of Taylor’s speeches someone said something like “I hope she gets arrested and goes to jail,” and Taylor said, “I don’t hope she goes to jail. Jail shouldn’t exist. I just want her to get fired and apologize. That’s all I want.”

Pacifism, true pacifism, like the kind that guy preached about, doesn’t mean laying down and accepting every terrible thing assholes do to you with a smile. It means taking away their ability to harm without harming them yourself. Eliminating the evil without becoming evil. Punching nazis does not make you a nazi, but praying for the death and destruction of people, human beings, because you hate them as much as they hate you? *sigh*

The hardest part about this whole radical empathy thing, is the fact that I cannot even wish harm upon those who want me dead. Isn’t that funny? That literal neo nazi, yeah, I hope he has shelter. Fuck I hope that rapist still eats tonight. I hope he feels shame until the day he dies, but I don’t hope he gets raped in prison. I don’t even want him in prison to be honest, I want him to be cared for, and I want his ability to do harm stripped away.

“Even if he hurts a child?”

God damn it, yes. I can’t add more suffering into the world, even if it is inflicted upon the people I’d love to hate most. I want to take away his power to do evil, I want everyone to know what kind of person he is and the terrible things he does so they can keep themselves safe… and then I want him to be safe.

I want all those terfs to have clean drinking water. I know they hate my guts, ugh, it is what it is. But praying that they experience the pain they’ve caused me, hoping that they die or suffer only makes me more like them.

WHICH SUCKS. This way of thinking is NOT satisfying AT ALL!!! Being vindictive and petty is FUN and it FEELS GOOD!!! That’s why it’s so fucking easy, and that’s why we keep eating each other over and over again.

Having said all of this, we should definitely bring back the guillotine lmao. I’m not saying that we should be super nice to people who are trying to kill us, do fight back. If the people need to kill their oppressors to be free then, hey, I’m not going to tell them they’re wrong for that. This isn’t a “we should all hug and sing kumbaya together! Kindness is always the way!!!” take. If the only way to bring death to the empire is to bring death to its owners, then so be it. Do so in the way that produces the least amount of degradation to your soul.

But wishing natural disasters on Texas, hoping that that racist woman’s parents get deported, out of spite and hatred… what are they doing to you? What are you doing to yourself?

Humanity is disgusting, truly truly abhorrent. I want to be able to look at us and embrace us with acceptance of that. Every single fucking terrible person on this earth deserves liberty, life, and freedom. Even when you spit in my face and hurt the people I love, damn it, I won’t hurt you. I see you as a rabid animal that needs to be sedated and slowly acclimated to compassion. And I will keep trying, even if you never learn. I can’t give up on humanity.

This is the most important and the hardest part. I’m not telling you to forgive, forgiveness is for you. If it doesn’t serve you, don’t forgive. But don’t let people without humanity kill the humanity that exists within you. Don’t let hatred fester in your soul. You’re allowed to be mad, hell, you should be furious. Let that fury keep you warm, but do not become a monster too.

To all you stupid fucking fascist pieces of shit, I hope you get exactly what you deserve. And what you deserve is not death, pain or suffering. It’s self reflection and growth, guilt and humility. As much as I would enjoy seeing you hurt, I refuse to become like you. And damn it I love you, I love every human being on this planet. I love you so much that I cannot become you. I love you so fucking much that I will continue to fight for your rights even when you’re trying to take mine away. and I hate that I love you like this, but I can’t stop.

So I will stop you.

- James Baldwin

[replaycamera2]

What Your Fave Redacted Character Says About You

Davey - You value a lot of things in a man: the most important being his ability to snap you in half.

Asher - You are the annoying younger sibling who is completely aware of exactly how much they can get away with via years of experience.

Milo - When people ask you what your hobbies are you say “reading” but the silent part of that answer is “fanfiction”

Vincent - I could go on for hours about all the parasocial relationships you’ve had in your life.

Sam - You’re rapidly running out of things other than yourself to blame for your problems, and honestly, it’s just a cry for help at this point.

Lasko - The people in your life have learned not to use the turn of phrase, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Because you will immediately launch into a 20 minute PowerPoint presentation with cited sources on exactly everything that could possibly go wrong.

Damien - Your parents were PTA terrorists. They were planning your bid for student council president while you were still in the womb.

Hux - For the people who think other people are always flirting with them or buttering them up, but they’re honestly just being nice and you never really learned how appropriately reciprocate that because life has taught you that everyone is always after something.

Gavin - God gave you depression and anxiety because if he didn’t, you’d be competing for his job

Avior - You’re either a burned out “gifted kid” or you only just got diagnosed with ADHD in your mid 20s. No in between.

Vega - Dear god do you love to be stepped on

Blake - You can not fix him. YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM.

Elliott - The ultimate fantasy of every demi-sexual out there.

Aaron - Depends: if you’re a straight woman, this is just everyone’s daddy fantasy. Otherwise, you’re a white gay guy. Only they would see a 1-to-1 recreation of their bully and go, “That is my husband.”

Ivan - I’m not saying you’re scary when you’re mad, I’m just saying the Venn diagram of people who have crossed you and the people you never hear from again is a circle

James - Admit it, you find degradation just a little bit hot. Just give in and go for it, it’ll be cathartic, trust me.

Anton - Literally that meme of “Thank you for changing my life.” “I’m literally a white man from Arizona mumbling and mouth-breathing into a mic.”

Geordi - “Patience of a saint” and “persistence of a rock” do not even begin to describe you. We have had nothing but radio silence from this man for 7 months.

Regulus - You just want someone to end your existence without actually killing you and honestly, valid take.

Guy - Your insecurities might scream at every person you meet, but not if you scream louder

Ollie - Your life moves from one disaster to the next and you are desperate for a shred of stability, which is probably why you’re listening to boyfriend role-play.

Morgan - There are two kinds of people in this fandom: Those who know what “19 months” means, and those who don’t.

[your-worst-boy]

you give these fucking "centrists/independents" every chance to say hey, yeah, fuck nazis. fuck fascism. fuck bigotry. the literal most simple fucking thing in the world. like comparable to saying "hmm, bad people are bad, I believe :-(" and they say nothing with their complacent ass.

YOU ARE FUNCTIONALLY A REPUBLICAN. at least own it. you are genuinely fucking spineless with ur routine of speaking when it's liberal shit u hate, and staying silent when it's conservative shit you won't admit you agree with.

won't even acknowledge the EXTREMELY TARGETED, VERY BLATANT policies against trans/gay ppl, women, poc...anyone who doesn't fit the 1950s nuclear family picture-perfect standard. And at this point I don't have to delve into what that looks like bc we all fucking know.

I'm embarrassed by your deep, DEEP fucking cowardice & ineptitude. your complacency in literally every aspect of your life will be your undoing.

"But since [...] no one pays attention when I outstretch my hand, since you disregard all my advice and do not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh when disaster strikes you [...]"

"They will call to me but I will not answer; they will look to me but not find me, since they hated knowledge [...]"

"They will eat the fruit of their ways [...]"

"For the waywardness of the simple will kill them; and the complacency of fools will destroy them"

-Proverbs 1:28-32

I'm not even religious & that's embarrassing! ur own god says ur a pussy! amazing

[mamirhodessxox]

More Resident Evil Incorrect Quotes for my Bby’s <3

Leon: All snacks are gone.

Y/N: I AM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE?!

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Leon: My heart is guarded but like… very poorly. The kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an R rated movie.

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Jill, watching Chris and Carlos fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?

Leon, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other.

Jill: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three?

Chris: Leon.

Carlos: Leon.

Leon: Me.

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Y/N: Yesterday, I overheard Wesker saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Ada replying “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Wesker: You’re kind of a pushover, aren’t you, Leon?

Leon: …I’m sorry.

Wesker: See!? That’s exactly what I’m talking about!

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Carlos, tearing up the room: Where are they?

Carlos, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children?

Carlos: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing.

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Luise: I'm hot, I’m tall, I'm gay, and I'm on my theatre kid arc.

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Y/N: I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... which should I do?

Leon: Please don’t get arrested.

Y/N: No promises! <3

Jill: Why not both? Get creative!

Y/N: Wonderful suggestion, thank you.

Leon: Please don’t encourage them, Jill.

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Leon: So, according to my university, it is, quote, “my responsibility if there is an internet outage to contact the faculty and the department.”

Leon: Now, if you’re a critical thinker like me, you might be wondering one thing.

Leon: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EMAIL THE DEPARTMENT?!?!?!

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Chris, learning how to drive: What happens if I press the gas and the brake at the same time?

Y/N: The car takes a screenshot.

Wesker: Please pull over. I’m driving now.

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Wesker: Y/N, we tried things your way.

Y/N: No, we didn't.

Wesker: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

Ada: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple...

Y/N: I really care about your feelings!

Leon: I really care about YOUR feelings!

Ada, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple...

Jill: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!

Carlos: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!

🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷✨🌷

xtripleiiix’s Masterlist

🏷️ list: @ginswife @coolpastelartshoe @greatkoalawizard @cokolin044 @kotoriarlert @alicerosejensen @bunnybot55 @valkyrurx

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Hi! Curious as to your headcanons on how Harry would realize he’s gay/come out? I like to imagine him not realizing it until he’s blundered his way into a relationship with a man, but surely he would be to clever for that 😆

Lol, I mean, yeah, Harry is clever, but not when it comes to relationships as he so adequately demonstrates throughout the books. That being said, I think it has more to do with his hectic situation rather than his intelligence. He just has other priorities — like, not dying. I saw someone suggest that by book 7, Harry is somewhat aware of his orientation with his: "not my type, but he'll do" comment to a polyjuiced Ron asking how he looks.

Like, I think Harry was aware he finds men attractive since 4th year, but he didn't really know what it means because he had other priorities. Like, he'd think he just finds guys attractive but it's normal, he has eyes, after all. But in general, I think the moment Harry is not in immediate life-threatening danger, he would figure it out. Just give him a moment to relax. It might take another failed relationship like Cho, but I really believe that he would get there on his own.

It probably wasn't anything big or grand either, just, kinda like a gradual understanding of: "huh, I guess I don't like girls" that eventually leads to "huh, I always thought guys are hot". (If we ignore the epilogue we can say he had this moment of epiphany while camping in the woods, I mean, there was a lot of silent time for introspection there, or maybe through a talk with Hermione/Ron)

If we go with canon-divergence for fic purposes when he's younger and is still wrapped up in, like, 3 plots to kill him a year, he might just blunder into a relationship with a guy and only realize it's a relationship later. But, Harry is smart enough to know that if he's holding hands and cuddling with someone that isn't a usual friendship for him. Especially if this is after his disaster date with Cho where he dreaded her wanting to hold his hand or kiss him again. Harry would notice if he was interested in that compared to with Cho, that he actually wants to spend time with this guy and likes looking at him and being close to him, but it might take him a while still. It's also very possible [male Harry ship of your choice] would be the one to basically tell Harry what they have is a relationship, but it really depends on the specific canon divergence. In general, it's less likely Harry would start this relationship as he is in a quest to be normal (which is part of why he decided he has a crush on Cho), she's a safe option — pretty, good at Quidditch, and appearing unattainable when he chose her. Point is, I don't see the Hogwarts-aged Harry pursuing a relationship with a guy without certain changes to get him there (the guy of your choice might though).

Alternative to this situation, it could be Ron or Hermione who bring it up to Harry, with Ron being the more likely of the two to bring it up. I think Ron has known since 5th year that Harry is gay, Hermione doesn't seem to really know, but by 7th year she probably figured it out (I mean, even in the muggle world this is the UK in 90s, it's not like being gay was overly accepted). So, they could also bring it up to him.

As for coming out, I feel like he would accidentally joke about it a bunch, like in that book 7 comment and most people would think it's just a joke, but I think Ron and Hermione would clue in early he actually means it. Ron at least would have already known and both I believe would be supportive of Harry. I think a bunch of others would be told as well, I think most Weasley kids won't have a problem with it at all (Ginny is likely to be disappointed, but I don't think she'd be mean about it to Harry). I think Molly and Arthur might struggle a little, due to ignorance rather than malice, but they would definitely be kind and try to be supportive. Arthur would probably mention some Weasley cousin who's gay as a way to connect to Harry because I'm sure there is one. Sirius would support everything Harry does and chooses (and he himself is likely, not straight) so, yeah.

Beyond that, coming out more publicly would heavily depend on the Wizarding World's approach to homosexuality. I personally believe they don't treat it great and it's kind of an unspoken thing — considering we don't see any gay relationships in the books, their focus on legacy and producing children, and the characters that are mentioned to be unmarried seem to live like confirmed bachelors (Dumbledore, Aunt Muriel, Alphard and Cassiopeia Black, etc.). Also, considering Harry's dislike of the Prophet and the attention he receives, I don't see him choosing to ever make it public knowledge since it's none of their business.

I imagine Witch Weekly keeps placing Harry in number 1 their Most Eligible Bachelors list years after he has already moved to live with a "close male friend" of his (choose who to your preference). And like, everyone knows, but no one would really acknowledge it. Whenever Harry is asked about "when he's gonna settle down" by some interviewer or random ministry personnel or some foreign ambassador he needs to be held back from throwing hands when younger. Later in life he probably gets used to it, besides, the older he gets, eventually the questions would stop, I imagine. It's also possible eventually attitudes in the Wizarding World would change, but that's something that takes time and depends on a lot of other factors.

[science-lings]

Being annoying about each option under the cut

1- Ryunosuke has no other pictures of his bestie's face except for the one of his 'corpse' and that is Fucked Up, which is why I love it. this hc is based on the fact that during my playthrough I looked at the picture so many times bc I missed him immediately. Anyway 1-2 was the worst day of his life and the moment where he was given the photo for the first time really stuck with me.

2- They get to switch off being each other's judicial assistants and they both get to be different flavors of transmasc, I think it would be fun for them. Would they have to attend classes at Yumei to even be considered lawyers? who knows the point is they do it together and are like those cats that bond together and get sad when they get separated.

3- If they are in the same room together that sword is being switched back and forth several times, 'I think it matches your outfit today' or 'I'm on my period I shouldn't be in possession of a deadly weapon' or 'you said in the custody agreement that I get it on weekends' etc etc etc... Though it tends to go with Ryunosuke when they are separated for long periods of time. That sword is symbolic of so much gay shit in these games what's a little more.

4- my guy talks about 'the look' in Ryunosukes eyes so much during the last case, what are you looking into his eyes for? Heterosexual reasons? sure... (also 'fancy meeting you here' that is a pick-up line, you're in a prison, not a bar) Anyway his feelings towards Ryunosuke are complicated and he's so mad that at least one of the feelings in the emotional cocktail is something like attraction)

5- There's that disaster lesbian thing going on but also the situation was pretty stressful but one day she will wake up and it will hit her that her friend was still very interested in her even after she knew it was her in the disguise.

6- Sholmes keeps trying to refer to himself as 'the root of all evil' and how he's 'drawn to the darkness', he's trying so hard to be edgy but he's a six-foot-tall lanky blond man who is dramatic in the silly way and drapes himself over Ryunosuke at every opportunity. Either he's trying to build some kind of reputation or he wants to appeal to the local goth milf populace (Sithe and Tusspells) or even the reaper himself (there's some messy ex energy going on over there...)

7- I need Phoenix to inherit Karuma, he knows a bit about it but he doesn't make a big deal about it. He does have a few prosecutor friends who know the blade and are so annoyed that he's not super proud to own it. Also it's funny to me if the only family that Phoenix knows are a couple of victorian lawyers that haunt him. I think they should watch over him and be a little horrified. Ryunosuke was excited when he was intending to be a performing arts student as a fellow drama kid but it doesn't surprise him that he chose to become a lawyer. It's in his blood.

8- You cannot tell me Ryunosuke didn't want to fling himself off of that boat every night he was stuck in the room he thought Kazuma was killed in. He just didn't want to ruin Susatos trip to England by leaving her alone and he goes into a depression when she leaves for Japan, going so far as to avoid looking at the photo the 221b fam took before she left because it made him sad, which gets put up every time by Sholmes who Gets It. Meaning that he went up to the Naruhodo consulting agency regularly to check up on him. I like to think Sholmes was genuinely worried during the months he spent banned from the courtroom and without his weirdgirl who he bonded with through his best friends 'death'.

9- Wagahai is a good kitty, she can tell who the most depressed person in the building is and follows them around, sometimes Ryunosuke has a nightmare and wakes up with a cat right up by his face.

10- Ryunosuke starts the Naruhodo family tradition of not talking about their personal lives to people they care about and making their own little patchwork family for themselves. Practically all we know about his past is that he's afraid of doctors and studied English from a young age. And then like three months after going to a new country and meeting new people he's just like 'neat this is my family now :)' there is something going on there I swear. I have many conflicting ideas about what it could be specifically though.

[shanastoryteller]

Happy birthday, Shana! 🎉🎉🌻🌻

Untamed or Naruto?

When Naruto is born, the nine tailed fox is pulled from Kushina along with her and it's only because of Minato's quick application of a seal that keeps disaster from becoming even worse.

Dozens of buildings and hundreds of lives are lost in the devestation. Still, it could have been a far worse attack, if Naruto had not been a suitable host for the demon.

It's a risk, one that Kushina screams at him for taking. The seal might not hold. Babies are not meant to be containers. It could kill their daughter, and sure, the nine tail might die along with her, but at what cost?

The seal holds. Naruto's strength holds.

The ordeal nearly kills Kushina and weakens her enough that she'll never again be an active duty ninja.

Minato sleeps at his office after that. Kushina doesn't even let him hold her until she's six months old and it's not until Naruto is almost two that she lets him move back into their home.

Still. Things aren't quite the same between them after that, when Kushina saw how he quick he was to sacrifice his daughter for the village.

Practically, she understands.

But no one has ever accused Kushina of being practical.

~

A container forced to spend their whole life fighting the fox will be weak. There's nothing for it - all their energy and chakra and time is spent subduing the fox, consciously or subconsciously.

Her daughter has been sabotaged from her first breath, made a target and given no way to defend herself.

"You want me to marry your daughter?" Kakashi squeaks, wondering if this is some new cruel prank she's playing on him. "She's a baby!"

But Kushina is serious. She's serious a lot these days, but at his question she almost smiles. "Not now. In about twenty years."

"Why," he starts, and then doesn't know how to continue.

"You're selfish," she says and his shoulders hunch. "Naruto won't be able to protect herself when people discover what she is and start coming after her. Minato has seen to that. My identity as the container was a well kept secret. Thanks to the attack, half of Konoha knows what Naruto is, and the other nations will hear of it, and they will come for her."

"I can protect her without marrying her," he insists, looking down at the baby in Kushina's arms. The idea that anyone, never mind him, will marry her someday is ridiculous.

"You're selfish," she repeats. "You'll choose her if she belongs to you."

Kakashi doesn't know what to say to that. He knows why Minato hasn't come home.

He goes to him, and his teacher just shrugs and says, "Don't you want to be my son-in-law, Kakashi?" Then, "Don't worry about it for the next twenty years. A lot can happen between now and then."

Gai hears he's been betrothed - uhg - to the hokage's daughter and congratulates him on an excellent political match and then takes pity on him and takes him to a bar.

It's his first time drinking and he probably shouldn't have let Gai goad him into a drinking contest.

~

Naruto is wary of people.

Some people love her, coo over her being the hokage's daughter and a brave little girl, patting her head and shoving sweets into her hands.

Some people glare at her, hiss about her being a demon who's killed the hokage's real daughter, and slam doors in her face and throw rocks at her back.

"Is it weird having a husband?" Ino asks while they make flower crowns from the days discarded flowers. It's the end to their first week at the academy and her parents are fighting - again - so Naruto had gone home with Ino instead. The Yamanakas are always nice to her.

Her mother doesn't want her to attend the academy, says its a waste of time and dangerous anyway. Her father says that the child of the hokage can't not attend the academy.

Neither of them had asked her what she wanted.

She pauses, thinking. Kakashi greets her and bows to her but he's ANBU, something she's not supposed to know but seems very obvious, so she doesn't really see him outside of when he comes by to talk to her parents sometimes. "No? He's not my husband yet anyway."

She's overheard him a couple times asking her father to find her a different husband, saying that he'll be bodyguard forever if only he doesn't have to marry her.

It hurts that Kakashi thinks she's a demon too. She'd always thought he was really cool and had thought it was nice that she'd have a nice, cool husband when she was older.

But she doesn't think she wants to marry someone who hates her.

~

The Uchihas aren't always nice to her, but Mikoto always is, coming over to her house to talk to her mother and dragging her sons with her, or keeping her door open to Naruto whenever she comes knocking.

Itachi stops coming early on, promoted quickly and no time to tag along to his mother's house visits. Sasuke is there and he scows and pouts but can be efficiently bullied into helping her get into whatever trouble she's decided is most worth her attention that day, so he's pretty all right, for a boy.

Naruto has to pay a lot of really close attention to people, because she never knows if they're going to be nice and mean, and the Uchihas aren't like the Yamanakas. Their reactions differ, so she has to pay attention.

Something is wrong.

Her mother doesn't believe her.

Her father doesn't listen.

She goes to Kakashi out of desperation. She tries to avoid him as much as she can, but he's the one person who might be able to convince her father that something is wrong.

"Ah, Naruto-hime, what can I do for you?" he asks, tone respectful. When she was younger, she liked that nickname. Now she knows that he's mocking her.

"Something is wrong with the Uchiha and you need to get my father to do something about it," she says.

His face is hidden by his stupid mask but she can tell he's frowning. "Why would you-"

She cuts him off, wanting this conversation to be as short as possible. He doesn't believe her either - shocker - but he agrees to look into because it's the quickest way to end the conversation.

Danzo is quietly, secretly, executed for treason. Madara Uchiha is listed as an active S class missing Konoha nin.

There are lots of talks about what, exactly, to do about the Uchihas, on how to handle their almost betrayal. Considering the outside manipulation, her father is inclined to ignore it, but something has to be done. Symbolically, if nothing else.

"If they feel excluded, then do something to make them feel included," Naruto says, nine years old and exhausted from the years of tension between the Uchihas and - well, everyone. Sasuke is so worried about his reputation that it takes ages to get him to do anything fun. It's almost quicker to get Shikamaru involved, which is saying something. "Do something no one else can question."

"Itachi or Sasuke?" her father asks, head bent over his paperwork.

She doesn't know what he's talking about. "For what?"

"Which do you prefer?" he asks.

"Sasuke?" she says, because Itachi is always very nice to her, especially after she helped prevent him from becoming a mass murderer, but he's never once helped her prank Iruka-sensei.

He nods and says nothing more and she rolls her eyes and goes to find something to do. Kiba has started training with Akamaru and she bets she can totally derail that without getting yelled at by Tsume.

A week later Sasuke climbs into her window and hisses furiously, "We're getting married?"

Huh.

Well, it looks like Kakashi got what he wanted.

She decided a long time ago she didn't want to marry him, and Sasuke is her friend, so this is fine. It's better.

Sasuke pats her shoulder and doesn't even yell at her when she ruins his shirt with tears.

He's already a better husband than Kakashi could ever be.

~

Minato is dreading today. Enrolling Naruto into the Academy had seemed like the right thing to do seven years ago, because what would people say about a hokage who didn't, but now that it's Graduation Day and he's going to have to deal with the gossip around the Hokage's daughter failing to even become a genin.

Iruka comes to drop off the team assignments and he does a double take when looking through them. "She passed?"

The chunin blinks and then asks, "Who, Hokage-sama? Haruno Sakura? It's rare for a civilian child, but her academic scores are quite high, even if her physical is lacking. She has a lot of potential."

He waves a dismissive hand. "No. My daughter."

The silence turns frigid and when he looks up it's too Iruka outright glaring at him. He's so taken aback that he can't even reprimand him for it. Iruka swallows, visibly forcing his face into less mutinous expression, and says, "Naruto is Top Kunoichi. That's why she's on the same team as Sasuke, who's Rookie of the Year, even though I was hesitant on putting them together when they already work so well together. They could use variety. Sakura is Dead Last, but only because of her physical skills. With the right teacher, she'll shape up quickly."

"Top Kunoichi," he repeats dubiously. "I've seen her test scores."

"Not since I took over her class, apparently," he says, and that tone should get him in trouble, but Minato doesn't care about that now. "Her previous instructor was ... biased. Under fair instruction, she excels."

She can't excel. She's handicapped, and it's his fault, not hers, but that doesn't change what she's capable of. "That's not possible."

Iruka's eyes narrow. "She's passed my tests. Now it's up to her jounin sensei."

Assigning someone with no biases is impossible, but he can at least assign someone who's never matched the shinobi art of lying about things they don't care about.

~

Naruto hopes this is a nightmare. Sasuke is pinching the bridge of his nose and not looking at any of them.

"Um," Sakura says hesitantly, "nice to meet you, Tsume-sensei."

She scowls at all of them. "I hope you fail. I have a clan to run! I don't have time to deal with untrained, undisciplined puppies!"

They probably shouldn't have broken into the Inuzuka compound so many times. Tsume has plenty of reasons to make their lives miserable. Or, well, hers and Sasuke's. Sakura's never done anything to her.

At least it's not Kakashi.

[sleepybabybees]

Incorrect quotes because I'm bored-

Price: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple...

Gaz: I really care about your feelings!

Soap: I really care about YOUR feelings!

Price, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple...

Roach: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!

Ghost: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!

-‐---------------------

Price: You know what?

Price: When I join this friend group I thought you guys would be dealing with my bullshit.

*Soap, Gaz and Roach continue screaming about mold water*

Price: Not the other way around.

Ghost: I dunno, sounds like you need to drink the mold water.

------------------

Soap: Who the fuck broke the toaster?

Ghost: It was Gaz.

Price: It was Gaz.

Roach: Gaz broke it.

Gaz:

Gaz: ...yOU PROMISED-

-------------------

Roach, singing: I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need—

Ghost: A family.

Price: A better love life.

Gaz: Mental stability.

Soap: *clueless* Bagels?

--------------------

Soap: What's the worst thing you guys have done?

Roach: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.

Ghost: I kicked Price in the shin-

Price: -So I kicked Ghost between the legs.

Gaz: I burned a town down.

Soap: What?!

Price: What the hell is wrong with you?!?

Gaz: A lot of things.

Ghost: No shit.

-----------------------

Gaz: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?

Soap: Which came first, the orange or the orange?

Price: Orange was first used to refer to the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a colour until 1000 years ago.

Ghost: What was the colour called before then?

Roach: There was no colour, duh! Everything was black and white!

---‐-----------------------

Soap: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!?

Ghost: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.

---------------------

Ghost: Boo! Boo, I say!

Soap: Ghost?

Ghost: Oh, I am not Ghost. I am the scariest thing known to mankind. A failed math test!

Soap: Yeah, right… I’m gonna move on now…

Ghost: You can run, but it won’t be to the college of your choice!

-----------------------

Nik: *angrily presses Price against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?!

Price: ...

Price: Are we about to kiss-

-----------------------

Nik: You need to be more careful!

Price, who was dragged into Nik's issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT-

-----------------------

Nik, sweating: Price, there’s something I need to ask you-

Price: Finally! You’re proposing!

Nik: How’d you know?

Price: Nik, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.

Price: I even picked it up once.

----‐-----------------

Laswell: Two bros!

Laswell: Chillin' in a hot tub!

Laswell: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!

------------------

Laswell: Then either Sonic is a god or could kill god, and I do not care if there is a difference.

-------------------

Price: I love them both, but how do I propose to two people?

Laswell: Two different restaurants, one person at each restaurant. Twice the dessert, twice the applause.

Price: Won’t people think it’s weird if there is a third person just sitting there, though?

Laswell: I saw someone feed their pet peacock crème brûlée from their mouth at the French place on the corner last week: I think faux third-wheeling at an engagement is the least of your worries.

[ofstarsandvibranium]

if it’s not too much to ask (🥺) could you do a reader who’s best friends with Colin and he teases her about her crush on Jamie and tries to get them together? If not, NO WORRIES. Your stuff is so 🥰

(this ended up being a lot longer than I intended...whoops!)

You and Colin grew up together. You were two peas in a pod, the thickest of thieves. You knew everything about each other. You were the first person he told when he realized he was gay. He was the first person you told after you had your first kiss. You're each other's platonic soulmates.

As such, you're always trying to help each other in regards to your dating lives. When he told you about Michael, you were excited to see your best friend finally found his person. Michael was amazing and you two clicked instantly, to Colin's relief.

Your love life? Weeeell...

Colin and Michael were expecting you since twenty minutes prior, you texted them: THIS DATE SUCKS. IM COMING OVER.

So you're now sitting on Colin's couch in between the couple.

"So what happened this time?" Colin asks.

"All he talked about was football, specifically West Ham," that got Colin groaning, "He also looked my Instagram up and saw the pictures of you and I. Asked if we dated in the past, if you'd be able to get him tickets to the next Richmond versus West Ham game."

"You know you can archive the pictures of us so people-"

"No. I'd never do that to you, Col. It's like I'm ashamed of you and I'm not."

Colin gives a small smile and nod of appreciation, "Thanks, babe."

"Maybe you can set her up with one of your teammates," Michael suggests.

A lightbulb went off in Colin's head and you immediately said, "Don't."

"He's available."

"It'll be weird!"

"No, it won't!"

"Isn't he a dickhead?"

"Not as much anymore!"

Michael waved in front of you and Colin, "What's going on?"

You groan, hiding your face in your hands, "Kill me."

Colin snickers, "Y/N's celebrity crush before I got into the league was Jamie Tartt. When she found out he was being lent to Richmond, she freaked out. Made a complete fool of herself by tripping in front of him and getting a bloody nose."

"Ooohh. That's pretty bad." Michael says, wincing.

"It was so mortifying!" you cry out, "There's no way he'd want to date me after that disaster!"

"He might not even remember it," Colin says reassuringly.

"I don't want to risk it," you turn to Michael, "Michael, tell him it's a bad idea."

Michael looks to his boyfriend, "Do you vouch for Jamie?"

Colin nods, "I do, actually. He's completely turned his act around. He can still be a prick sometimes, but it's not as bad as it was when he first joined the team."

Michael focuses back on you, "You should go for it."

You immediately stand up, "Nope. I'm not making myself out to be a fool again. No thanks! I'm out!"

_____________________

"Hey, Jamie," Colin rushes up to Jamie as he exits his car.

Closing the door behind him, Jamie responds, "Yeah, mate?"

"You're not seeing anyone right?"

"No," Jamie replies with furrowed brows, look of confusion.

"My best friend, Y/N, she's beautiful, funny, and smart and think you and her would be a great match." Colin holds out his phone, showing Jamie a really great candid picture of you that he took when you two went to dinner months ago.

Jamie nods at the picture. You were, indeed, very beautiful. The way the sun hit your skin made you look angelic, "She's...nice."

Colin rolls his eyes, "One date. That's all I ask."

"Why me though?" Jamie still looks a bit confused, "Why not Bumbercatch or Isaac?"

"I just think you and Y/N would fit really well. She's been having a rough time with dating so I figured you'd show her how she should be treated."

To be fair, Jamie was thinking about getting back into the dating scene. He finally got over Keeley, accepting that they'd just be better off as friends. You seemed like a decent person, from the few things Colin mentioned. Might as well, right?

"Fuck it. Sure."

Colin fist bumped the air, "Yes! You won't regret it. I'll make the plans. You just show up."

"Yeah, yeah, alright."

_______________

You show up to Ola's, a place you've been to before. As soon as you walk in, Colin and Michael are there.

"I need to preface this and say you can't be mad at me," Colin says.

You narrow your eyes at him, "What did you do?"

"It'll be fine. I promise. Michael and I will be on the other side of the restaurant if you need anything, but you won't, because it'll be great."

"But if it goes wrong, it was definitely all his doing," Michael says, pointing to Colin.

Colin grimaces, "Thanks, babe." He takes your hand and leads you towards the back corner where Jamie fucking Tartt was sitting.

You immediately give Colin a look and he pushes you towards him, murmuring, "It'll be fine!"

You slowly approach the table and Jamie looks up, giving you a polite smile as he pockets his phone.

"Hi, I'm Jamie," he offers his hand out.

"I know," you say as you shake his hand, "I'm so sorry Colin roped you into this. You really don't have to be here if you don't want to."

He shrugs, "It's fine. Been meanin' to get back into the dating game. Besides, if things don't really work out, we get free dinner and drinks out of it, yeah?"

Your brows shot up, "Colin's paying?"

Jamie nods, "He said he would."

You smirk and gesturing for a server. He smiles at you, "Would you like to start with drinks?"

You nod, "Yes, we'll have your most expensive bottle please."

It's now Jamie's brows that shoot up and he looks at you in surprise. When the server leaves to get the drinks, you lean in and said, "It's payback," you sigh as you sit down.

"So...you weren't too keen on going on a date with me then?" he asks awkwardly.

You suddenly look mortified, "No, no! That's not it at all it's-I-ugh!" you slump back in your chair. You let out a deep breath and sit up again, "Alright, so I believe two years ago, you and I actually met before and I made a complete fool out of myself because I tripped and ate the pavement. I busted my lip, there was lots of blood. Not a pretty sight or a cool thing to do in front of your celebrity crush."

Jamie smirks, "I'm your celebrity crush?"

You sit there in silence, mentally cursing yourself and Colin for making you go through this embarrassment again. You stand, "Right, okay, I've embarrassed myself enough. I'm leaving."

Jamie rushes to a stand, "No, please, don't. I'm only teasin' ya. It's nothin' bad, I promise. You're-You're very cute when you're flustered."

"Thanks," you murmur.

Luckily, the server came back with the most expensive bottle of wine. As soon as he poured your glass, you began downing it. Jamie watches you in amusement.

"Sorry, I just need some liquid courage to get through this."

Jamie leans forward, resting his arms on the table, "How about this, we just forget who I am for tonight. I'm not Jamie Tartt, the most amazing striker in the league. Just Jamie, a nervous lad on a date with a beautiful girl."

"You're nervous?" you ask in shock.

He shrugs, "It's been a while since I've gone on a proper date. Kinda forgot how to do this sort of stuff."

"Pft, I've gone on many dates and so far, you're the best one."

"Yeah? Tell me about 'em."

And that's how dinner goes. Over another glass and eventually over some food, you tell Jamie about your past dates. He tells you about some ridiculous things he's done with the guys when Coach Lasso was around. It was nice. It was nice knowing that Jamie wasn't here because he wanted to get close to Colin. He was there because he wanted to. You assumed he was interested in you by the way he flirted with you throughout the nice. So maybe this wasn't such a bad thing after all.

Once dinner was over, Colin came over with a pout, "Did you guys really have to order the most expensive items here?!"

"That's what you get for tricking me like that," you boop his nose and Michael snickers as he weaves his fingers through Colin's.

"But it went alright, yeah?" he looks at you and Jamie.

"I'd say so," Jame puts his hand on your lower back, "We're, uh, actually gonna head to a pub for more drinks."

"Oh! Well, uh, I think Michael and I will head on home then."

You don't want to give Colin the satisfaction just yet, so you say, "I'll text you later when I'm home."

"Sounds good," he says and pulls at Michael's hand, "Let's go, babe."

Looking over his shoulder, Michael gives you a wink and a thumbs up.

You snort and then turn to Jamie, "Ready?"

"Whenever you are, love." and you two head out onto more drinks, more talking, and, hopefully, more dates after this.

[ghostselkie]

So, angsty nevermore wish fulfillment concept

What if Nevermore had upper classmen? Like students that are at least a semester ahead of the others, and that when the main cast finishes their first semester, they are free to mingle with the upper classmen.

What if one of these upper classmen was Theo?

We know he went to Nevermore. And if they get to mingle, Theo would likely get to reunite with Lenore.

Like they would be happy to see each other, but it would be very tearful and bitter sweet. Like Theo would find out that Lenore died young like he did and be very sad about it. Lenore would be apologizing profusely cause she felt responsible for his death. Theo would have to reassure her that it wasn't her fault. It takes a long time for her to accept that.

Once the shock wore off, Theo would have a lot of questions. He's quickly be able to figure out that it wasn't the tree that killed her, given Lenore's short hair, but he likely wouldn't immediately aske her how she died.

Theo: Lenore, what have you done to your hair?

Lenore: I cut it, obviously.

Theo: I know but why? You know mother and father would have never approved.

Lenore: Long story. One I'd rather not share so publicly.

Obviously, Lenore would take Theo to meet her friends. The misfits would wonder how he is even related to Lenore. Like Theo is extremely polite and a gentleman, and Lenore is, well Lenore. But after talking to him for a while, seeing how he and Lenore interact, and well the resemblance, they would go oh yeah these two are defiantly related.

After a while, I think Lenore would actually tell Theo what happened after he died. They are siblings, they tell each other everything.

Theo: You burned down our cottage at the Finger Lakes?!

Lenore: For my plan to work mother and father would have to think me dead. Besides, it's not like we're short on houses.

Theo: You committed arson, and fraud!

Theo would defiantly be annoyed, but also very impressed with all the shit Lenore ended up pulling.

In my little wish fulfillment world Annabel And Lenore have made up by the time they see Theo. So Lenore would definitely introduce Theo to Annabel. Theo would defiantly give Annabel the shovel talk.

Theo: Look, I know this is a death game, but if you do any thing to hurt my sister, you will have hell to pay. Annabel: I would expect nothing less.

Theo: ???

The funniest interaction would defiantly have to be with Ada. Why? Well nearly everyone in the fandom agrees that Ada is a disaster bisexual with critically high levels of comphet. So this polite, high society person who looks a lot like Lenore (some one who is already very attractive) and they are a man, and therefore a safe person to have a crush on.

What makes this funnier is that I hc Theo as gay. The shenanigans that ensue would be impeccable

Ada: If I had a nickel for every time I had a crush on some one who wasn't in to women I'd have two nickels. Witch isn't a lot but it's weird that it weird that it happened twice, right?

These have just been my silly little thoughts. I don't actually think any of this will happen. It's just fun to think about

[steviewashere]

They Were Roommates!

Rating: Mature CW: None Relationships: Steve/Eddie, Steve & Robin, Eddie & Robin, Eddie & Chrissy, Robin/Chrissy Tags: Alternate Universe — Modern Setting, Texting, Dialogue Only, Text Fic, Humor, Sexual Humor, Bad Flirting, Mild Angst, Stardew Valley References, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, Steve Harrington is a Little Shit, Eddie Munson is a Little Shit, Robin Buckley is a Little Shit, Chrissy Cunningham is a Sweetheart, Alternate Universe — Roommates/Housemates, Robin Buckley is a Chappell Roan Fan, Steve Harrington is Chronically Offline, Eddie Munson is Chronically Online, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Sex, Gay Disaster Eddie Munson, Alternate Universe — No Upside Down, Alternate Universe — No Supernatural Elements, Neurodivergent Steve Harrington, Neurodivergent Eddie Munson, Neurodivergent Robin Buckley Originally posted here on AO3, but I felt it was time to bring it over to Tumblr. Lots of sexual jokes in here, I'm sorry lol

📱—————📱

Steve: Do you wanna hang out in my room? I could rent that new Kristen Stewart movie.

Robin: Can’t. I’m being gay and listening to music.

Steve: …what?

Robin: I’m being gay and listening to music.

Steve: You’re…??? I don’t understand.

Robin: Chappell Roan.

Steve: ? Who?

Robin: Chappell Roan. The singer. The lesbian icon. Chappell Roan.

Seen 2h ago

——— Eddie: hey

Steve: Hey? Aren’t you driving? Why are you texting me?

Eddie: yeah, about that

Eddie: I was driving home and I guess I ran over a nail?? or maybe a sharp stick or something? I dunno but now I have a flat tire and I need to be picked up

Steve: You don’t have a spare? Shouldn’t you carry one for a van like that?

Eddie: steve.

Steve: Eddie.

Eddie: what makes you think somebody like me has a spare tire?? I don’t even have a modern radio in this fuckass van why would I have a spare tire

Steve: So that you don’t get in situations like this? Forget the spare tire. Where are you? I’ll come get you.

Eddie: I’m uhhhh……at Walmart in the parking lot

Eddie: I got something for your birthday so you cant look inside of my bag

Eddie: god, this shit is a pain in the ass

Eddie: this would’ve never happened if harambe didn’t die

Steve: Who?

Eddie: you’re joking. steve, tell me you’re joking and that you know who harambe is.

Steve: Was he a friend of yours?

Eddie: holy shit. you don’t know who harambe is. what the hell were you doing in 2016

Steve: 🙄 

Steve: Can you just tell me so that I can pick you up and we can have dinner?

Eddie: you’re gonna have to sit down for this

Eddie: basically, harambe was this gorilla in the……cincinnati zoo, I think?? anyway he was this gorilla that was just sorta vibing in his enclosure and then this little boy fell in

Steve: Oh my god. Is the boy okay?

Eddie: oh, the boy is totally fine

Eddie: the zoo killed the gorilla tho

Seen just now

Eddie: steve? hello?

Steve: They killed the gorilla? Did the gorilla even do anything?

Eddie: nope

Steve: So they just killed an innocent gorilla?

Eddie: yeah

Eddie: they thought he’d kill the kid

Seen just now

Eddie: soooo….u on ur way?

Eddie: steve?

Eddie: steeeeveeeeee

Steve: Hold on, dude.

Eddie: I can order an uber

Steve: Just give me a fucking second. I’m crying in the middle of our apartment’s courtyard, Jesus Christ.

Steve: A little boy just asked if I was okay and I had to tell him that some zoo killed a gorilla and now he’s crying with me.

Steve: You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

Eddie: ???

Eddie: we sleep in separate beds. in separate rooms.

Steve: Couch.

Eddie: ….fine, m’lord. sorry.

——— Robin: why did you tell him about Harambe?

Eddie: he asked!

Robin: he. won’t. stop. using. my. computer.

Robin: even when I get it back, there’s like five tabs in my history about that fucking gorilla.

Robin: wait. hold on.

Eddie: oh, god. Is he crying again?

Eddie: I’m already at the store. I’ll get him a tub of that mudslide ice cream and uhhh…do you think he likes red or white roses??

Eddie: there’s a sale on those big Reese’s easter eggs….I’ll get him a few of those

Eddie: do you think it’s too much to get him balloons…

Eddie: robin? hello? why do you guys just stop responding?

Robin: dude. he reads People magazine. like…

Robin sent a photo

Robin: that’s his inbox, dude. he left himself logged in and there’s like fifty of these People emails.

Eddie: robs, don’t kick a guy while he’s down

Eddie: that’s poopy :(

Robin: you’re the reason he’s feeling so shitty! suck his dick or something, fuckhead. that might make him feel better

Eddie: yeah? you think?

Eddie: doesn’t he use flavored condoms though? 

Eddie: mmmm…strawberry dick

Robin: HE BOUGH CHAPPELL ROAN TICKETS??? THE BASTARD

Robin: he doesn’t even know who she is…

Robin: also

Robin: please don’t send me “mmmm….strawberry dick” ever again.

Eddie: sto psnooping and i won’t do that

Robin: …no

Eddie: get ready for me to suck your best friend’s dick, then. I got him three of those Reese’s eggs, a tub of ice cream, a bouquet of white roses, and Walmart’s finest boxed wine.

Eddie: he’ll forget about his woes with ye olde harambe

Eddie: cuz he’ll only think of my name, motherfucker

Seen just now

Robin: I hate u

Eddie: eat my farts

Robin: 🖕

Eddie: I love you too, robs

Robin: get me sprite please.

Robin: and pads ultra absorbent in the orange wrapper.

Eddie: will do with haste, m’lady

Eddie: got you a new bottle of midol and a large chewy nerds rope

Robin: thank you

Robin: just don’t tell me when you suck his dick, that’s all I ask

Eddie: I make no promises.

Seen just now

——— Steve: Why is there like five Reese’s eggs sitting on my bedspread right now?

Eddie: I’m apologizing

Steve: For?

Steve: Wait…Is this about that gorilla? Dude, don’t worry about that. You could’ve told me that it happened eight years ago.

Eddie: oh thank god

Eddie: robin keeps encountering me in the kitchen in the middle of the night with her scary lesbian aura and the eyes sharp enuf to kill a man

Eddie: I got you ice cream and flowers, too did you see them ????

Seen 3m ago

Steve: When are you coming home?

Eddie: uhhhhh

Eddie: like two hours my shift here should be done by then if my dickwad of a manager lets me out on time

Eddie: fucker might ask me to stay back tho because the closers can’t do their jobs

Eddie: why?

Steve: I need to eat your love straight out of your asshole.

Eddie: Jesus

Eddie: …

Eddie: damnit Steve, now I’m fully erect in the walk-in

Steve: You can’t come home now?

Eddie: no sweetheart I can’t

Seen 5m ago

Steve: I put your pillows on my bed. If you don’t fuck me into next Sunday when you come back, I’ll tell Robin you’re the reason our couch has a huge stain on it.

Eddie: mmm

Eddie: you drive a hard bargain but…ok.

Steve: Really? You’re easy to convince.

Eddie: you kidding me? I’ve been wanting you in bed with me since the day I met you, pretty boy

Eddie: im fucking over the moon right now that my proposition worked

Steve: If you call it “propositioning” one more time, Robin will know about the couch.

Eddie: okay fine, I’m not propositioning

Eddie: I’m rizzing you up

Steve: What does that mean?

Eddie: you’re so offline and it’s doing things to me

Eddie: charming. I’m charming u

Eddie: you’re my favorite old person.

Steve: ?

Steve: I’m twenty-three.

Eddie: whatever you say, peepaw

Eddie: I gotta go have to take care of this massive hard-on you gave me. can’t wash dishes like this

Steve: Yeah? We should put that to the test.

Eddie: and I’m the freak ??

Seen just now

——— Robin has created a group chat with two other people

Robin: the next time you guys resolve the issues you two idiots create for each other, can you let me know ahead of time? you’re lucky I didn’t bring Chrissy home with me from class.

Eddie: I don’t know what you’re talking about nothing happened

Robin: I thought somebody brought home a girl, but it was just Steve.

Steve: Do I sound like a pretty girl at least?

Robin: the prettiest, but seriously. 

Robin: I don’t need to hear you guys getting it on while I’m trying to eat my after school taco.

Eddie: don’t you need Chrissy for that ??

Robin: I’m going to put nair in your shampoo.

Steve liked a message: "the prettiest, but seriously."

Steve: I’m ordering pizza. You guys want cheesy bread?

Robin: Yes!

Eddie: plz? With the garlic dip too 🥺 ??

Steve liked a message: "plz? with the garlic dip too 🥺 ??"

Robin: you text like a bottom

Steve: Trust me, he’s not. ;)

Robin: uggghhhhh!! I’m so proud of you two but also go fuck yourselves, you turds

Eddie: with pleasure

Eddie: robs, steve and I are gonna have sex before the pizza gets here

Robin: you two are insufferable.

Robin: I’m gonna sit on the porch and call my girlfriend. before I implode.

Delivered 10m ago

Robin: Chrissy says congratulations.

Delivered 2m ago

——— Eddie: robs, I’m about to have birthday sex with Steve

Eddie: put your headphones on

Robin: he opened that game you got him and immediately needed to do it? Jesus

Eddie: about to get me a slice of that birthday cake if you know what I mean

Robin: please just shut up.

——— Robin: Eddie.

Eddie: ? wut

Robin: you need to tell your boyfriend that he can’t use voice to text when you two are flirting

Robin: I was on the phone with my fucking gyno’s office and I could hear him through the other room say

Robin: and I quote

Robin: “I’m going to ravish that perky ass of yours.”

Robin: my gyno asked me if I was busy, Edward. busy having buttsex with my platonic soulmate. I was humiliated.

Robin: I need you to have a convo with him or something.

Eddie: u should buy earplugs

Robin: I WAS ON THE PHONE, EDWARD

Robin: ON THE PHONE WITH MY VAGINA DOCTOR

Robin: IT WAS EMBARRASSING FOR EVERYBODY INVOLVED

Eddie: but he’s such a slow typer

Eddie: it’s literally like watching my uncle try and use his phone

Eddie: but fine.

Eddie: I’ll make him play that game I got him or something instead of text me

Robin: fucking thank you

Robin: and stop leaving your dildo in the bathtub

Eddie: wut dildo ?? I don’t own a dildo

Robin: …

Robin: I’m gonna wring his neck, brb

Eddie: he’s using a dick that isn’t mine ?? :(

Delivered 10m ago

——— Steve: If I can’t use voice to text to flirt, then you shouldn’t be able to have loud phone sex with Chrissy, Robs.

Robin: …no comment

Eddie: are u having loud phone sex with MY platonic soulmate ??

Eddie: bro…

Robin: she told me my trumpet tounging skills were good and that she couldn’t stop thinking about them

Robin: 😔 so I got horny with it, I’m sorry

Eddie: birdie getting horny on main ?? with a praise kink of all things ??

Steve: Hey, I take offense to that. You praise me all the time.

Eddie reacted to a message: "Hey, I take offense to that. You praise me all the time."

Eddie: sorry sweetheart, ’twas only in jest

Robin: I thought Stevie was listening to music while playing his farm game! I didn’t think he could hear me!

Eddie: tsk tsk

Robin: I’m going to Chrissy’s. and turning my notifs off.

Eddie: where does she live ??

Robin: what? you’ve been to her parent’s house

Eddie: in pound town ?!!

Eddie: oh that… that sent too l8

Steve: Eddie, can you come back from your uncle’s? I started playing Stardew Valley this morning and I’m at a point where I need to find the mayor’s shorts. I don’t know where they are.

Steve: Never mind. Got them.

Steve: Why were they in Marnie’s room?

Eddie: steve… baby …

Steve: ?

Eddie: they were having crazy sex animal style

Seen just now

Steve disliked a message: "they were having crazy sex animal style"

Steve: When are you going to stop being on the internet? It’s fundamentally changed something in you that I don’t think can ever be reverted.

Eddie: that would be whimsy, m’lord

Eddie: and childlike wonder

Robin: can you guys get a room? I’m trying to drive and my stupid car play keeps reading out your text messages.

Steve: Why won’t this character leave his bedroom? Is he Eddie?

Eddie: … ur so feisty today

Steve: Feisty for you.

Robin: GET A ROOM, YOU FREAKS

Delivered just now

——— Robin: I just got home and Steve’s in the exact same spot on the couch that I left him in at like noon. it’s six.

Eddie: is he seriously still on that game I got him ??

Robin: the farm game, right? otherwise, he bought a new game while I was gone

Eddie: yeh. he mentioned it like once and I thought it wood be nice for his birthday but now I’m regretting my choices

Robin: I just peeked my head into the living room and he’s currently feeding chickens on the big screen and cooing at them as if they’re real. I don’t think we’re gonna be watching Chopped tonight.

Eddie: 😔 that’s my favorite part of our dinners tho

Robin: it’s your fault. he’s been on there since like eight this morning.

Robin: I heard him yelling about some bitch named Pierre because he couldn’t buy seeds. I thought this was supposed to be a relaxing game??

Eddie: it usually is but you know Steve

Eddie: he rages over like every game

Eddie: I just thought it would be a change of pace from that match three game he keeps getting himself sucked into

Robin: mmm…that royal match one, right? he keeps sending me invites. think he’s on like level 560.

Eddie: how ?? he started playing that two days ago

Robin: pattern recognition.

Eddie: ahhh yeahhh pattern recognition

Eddie: the reason why every horror movie marathon ends up boring for him

Eddie: he figured out the killers in the new scream movies within the first ten minutes

Robin: he’s yelling about someone named marnie?? he needs to buy hay but can’t get it. I might need you to come back from your uncle’s and convince him to put the controller down.

Eddie: no, marnie can go fuck herself. she’s having an affair with the mayor and putting everybody’s animals in jeopardy.

Robin: so much rage and gossip for a game about farming.

Seen just now

Robin: Eddie, he’s making kissy noises at an NPC and telling him that he’s gonna capture all the frogs in the world.

Robin: should I be worried?

Eddie: nah, just let him be at least this is giving him something to do

Eddie: he’s been having a pretty bummer week

Eddie: had a phone call with his parents. didn’t end well.

Robin: ah, okay. will you pick up our normal pizza order on your way back?? I’m not in the mood to cook tonight.

Eddie: yeh, sure

Robin: remind me to send you money on Venmo.

Robin: I’m gonna get him to info dump.

Robin: maybe I’ll start playing with you guys, too.

Eddie: don’t worry about the Venmo thing. but I am going to force you to play. think you’ll love it.

Eddie: although, then I’ll have to deal with two Stardew addicts

Eddie: oh well, be home soon

Seen 2m ago

——— Robin: can Chrissy live with us?

Eddie: I don’t see a problem with it, homie

Steve: Yeah, I don’t see why not.

Steve: Is everything okay though? Does she need a place to stay right now?

Robin: everything’s fine, Stevie. don’t need to worry

Robin: I just want her with me and as much as I love you guys, I’m tired of being the only woman in the apartment

Robin: and being the only level-headed one

Robin: but mainly because I want to cuddle my girlfriend every night

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Eddie: fuck yeah

Eddie: two pairs of best friend chaos

Eddie: surely this will go well

Robin added a person to the group

Chrissy: Hey guys!!

Eddie: Chrissy, my love my light my world

Eddie: you’re going to regret everything

Steve emphasized a message: "Chrissy, my love my light my world"

Steve: I thought I was that?

Eddie: you’re my moon, stars, and galaxy

Eddie: you’re the universe

Steve: Hehe, really?

Robin: hey chris, this is how they are please get used to it because they’ve been driving me insane for months now

Chrissy: I think it’s cute! 💕

Chrissy: I should add them in the Sims!!

Steve: What’s that?

Robin: oh no

Eddie: Chrissy, don’t do it don’t tell him

Chrissy: Oh, it’s this game where you can make characters and build them a house and basically guide their lives. It’s really cool, Steve!

Chrissy: You should play it!

Steve: Is it fun?

Chrissy: Oh my god, yeah! You can make anybody and literally do anything. 

Chrissy: Like think of all the people you hate.

Chrissy: You can make them and kill them and make them suffer and it doesn’t actually harm anybody in real life, it’s great! 💕

Robin: Chrissy

Chrissy: Yes, love?

Robin: he just disappeared into the home office.

Eddie: somebody needs to take his card away from him like right now

Robin: too late. I just heard the music start up.

Eddie: Chrissy, I love you to bits and pieces but I think you’ve successfully indoctrinated a new monster

Steve: I can fine tune the genders of these guys.

Steve: I’m making a dog and his name is going to be Peanut.

Steve: This game is wonderful.

Delivered 30m ago

Steve: Eddie’s pregnant and the kitchen is on fire.

Eddie: wut how it’s been half an hour

Eddie: why am I pregnant

Eddie: steve, what did you do

Steve: 😏

Steve: You know what I did.

Eddie: Steve. I’m coming home early from my trip at Wayne’s. but I need you to answer when I call you. I can’t be horny in here.

Robin: You guys are disgusting. Chrissy, what have you done?

Chrissy: Robin, we’re getting married in the Sims.

Robin: I luv you 💕

Chrissy: Now we’re having sex animal style.

Eddie: I hate that I taught you that.

Steve: We had a son.

Seen just now

Eddie liked a message: "We had a son."

Eddie: name him corn. it would be funny

Seen 5m ago

Eddie: no love for corn boy ?

Steve: Sometimes I wish you would shut up.

Eddie: make me

Steve: I’m gonna be fucking Eddie when he comes home in like thirty minutes. Don’t come back until I text you.

Robin: I’m staying at Chrissy’s tonight to help her pack. don’t do butt stuff on the couch.

Eddie: I make no promises

Steve liked a message: "I make no promises"

Seen 5m ago

——— Robin: Steve, what’s with the orange envelope on my desk? it’s too ominous for my liking.

Steve: You should open it! :D

Steve: It’s a gift for you and Chris for your guys’ one year!

Robin: CHAPPELL ROAN

Steve: :)

Steve: In New York, too! I found the good flights from Chicago to there and back. I booked you guys a hotel and there’s a whole printed out page of all the good restaurants in the area! And I also have some cash that you guys can use for food and souvenirs and stuff!

Robin: …Steve you beautiful beautiful man thank you

Robin: I’m making your favorite dinner tonight

Steve: Eddie’s reading a book right next to me, though?

Robin: why are you gay

Robin: no bitch. I was talking about a reuben sandwich

Robin: but I guess if you wanna suck cock, then whatever

Steve: Eh. I’ll save it for dessert.

Steve: Also, you don’t have to act surprised about those tickets. I know you looked through my emails.

Steve: You’re literally this motherfucker.

Steve has sent an image

Robin: That’s literally just Snoopy.

Steve: You got this.

Robin: …oh

Robin: maybe don’t subscribe to People magazine and then leave fifteen tabs about harambe open on my laptop

Steve: Blame Eddie.

Robin: Blame Eddie, you’re so right.

——— Eddie: Chrissy, am I being shunned?

Chrissy: Harambe.

Eddie: what?

Steve: The gorilla.

Eddie: not this again

Robin: you have been banished to the shadows for aiding me in my quest to find the Chappell Roan tickets

Eddie: YOURE THE ONE WHO SNOOPED I TOLD YOU NOT TO

Chrissy: Babe…you told me you didn’t.

Sent 10m ago

Robin: I’ve been shunned :(

Eddie: welcum to the club, loser

Robin: I hate you

Eddie: :)

Steve: Eddie’s pregnant again.

Seen just now

Eddie liked a message: "Eddie's pregnant again."

Eddie: plz name it corn this time plzzz

Steve disliked a message: "plz name it corn this time plzzz"

Eddie: I shall avenge you corn boy, for you will not be shunned like your father

Steve: If I stop shunning you and suck your dick, will you be normal?

Eddie: maybe

Steve: Robin, Chrissy. I need you to go to the grocery store for a little bit. I have something to do before I need to go to work and you guys can’t be here.

Robin: you guys are like rabbits when is it hunting season

Steve: Love you too

Robin: Love you more, dingus. Just please stop fucking all the time.

Eddie: how else am I going to be pregnant?

Robin has left the group chat

📱—————📱 I plan on making a part two for this one! Here it is as-is, for now, though.

[shortpplfedup]

Only Friends Character Rankings Pre-Air

Jojo, Ninew, Ninepinta and Vivienne have now presented their stable of hoes to us, y'all have chosen your fighters, and I am gnawing on concrete in anticipation of August 12. Since I'm gonna be doing weekly character rankings, I wanted to set up a pre-air Clown Checkpoint so I can look back later and see how wrong I was. Until that YouTube premiere countdown hits zero, we know exactly nothing, but I'm ready to predict whose gay wrongs I will most support! Here we go!

1. Nick

I just want you to love only me!

Audience ranking: 6

Ever since Mark Pakin showed up in that pilot trailer scheming and sex-taping, Nick has been MY DUDE. I want him to be the most manclown character of all time. I want him to be DESPERATE AND PATHETIC for Boston's dick. ANSWER EVERY BOOTY CALL NICK, I BELIEVE IN YOU. HE WANTS YOU TO DO A THREESOME? NO PROBLEM, WHATEVER YOU WANT BABE. I want Nick to call his bestie (Sand?) crying because Boston came over at 3:02 a.m. and left at 4:37 a.m. and 15 minutes of that was him taking a post-coital shower. I want crying and begging and clinging and devious acts. Khun Pakin has the chops to make my dreams come alive, make it happen boo!

2. Mew

My type is pretty simple. I'm not a picky kind of guy.

Audience ranking: 4

Right up until time of posting I thought my #2 seed would be Boston, but something is telling me that when it comes to manipulation and making grown men cry, Mew will emerge the champion. Something in this butter-wouldn't-melt expression is telling me this man is the true demon from hell whereas Boston is merely a top-tier-yet-still-garden-variety slut. Him shit-kicking Boston into the pool and then jumping in himself to finish the job is the kinda deranged shit I respect immensely. Kill them all Mew. You deserve.

3. Boston

You should be glad to be my favourite.

Audience ranking: 5

I may have called this man a garden variety slut, but I love a good slut though! Especially one who will lend his toys to help out a friend. And then almost instantly regret it. And then cause chaos and problems for himself as a result. And then make it everybody else's chaos and problems. Basically, I expect Boston's job to be throwing hole around Bangkok and ruining lives, and I expect him to do it WELL, and I expect him to do it in the sluttiest rent boy outfits I've ever seen.

4. Ray

You think my life will be better with you? It's only fucking going down to hell.

Audience ranking: 3

Speaking of chaos and problems, OUR BI DISASTER IS HERE GUYS! Bisexual? Bipolar? Why not both? The trailer is letting us know from jump that Ray is A Mess With Money and happy to use that money to buy himself some company, but also not able to keep those lines from getting blurred. I’m expecting this character to make me fall in love with him but also want to strangle him, Teh Krittikorn Saetun-style, so expect this ranking to go up until he is somehow my fave.

5. Sand

Friends don't charge friends. Besides, you should save your money for a shrink.

Audience ranking: 2

First Kanaphan’s job at GMMTV is to rip our hearts out roughly twice a year, and he’s right on schedule. It seems like Sand never learned not to fall for poor little rich boys, so we will all have to suffer with him. Honestly his ranking is this low right now because I see these guitars and microphones and I want no part of them. There is a short list of GMMTV boys allowed to sing at me and as much as I love First he is not on it. Ditch the microphone and bring back the baseball bat bb, I’m ready to see you bust some heads, kneecaps, car windows, whatever in pursuit of your love.

6. Top

When I take aim, I never miss.

Audience ranking: 7

Ah yes, the hoe-turned-seeming-housewife who’s actually still hoeing. The village bike. The community top. Boston basically turns him out and he’s not only fine with it, he falls for the john. Delicious. I desire his ruin like I’ve desired nothing before in media.

7. Everybody we don’t know nothing about yet (Yo, Nam/Syrup, Nes, Lesbian!Nonnie, A Wild Papang, various and assorted surprise guests I’m pretty sure we’re getting)

Friends don't do this to each other.

Audience ranking: 1 (combined score)

We await the tea on all the side characters, but the casting is superb, and I’m ready to see how high in the rankings they can climb.

LET THE MESS COMMENCE!

[formosusiniquis]

A Steddie / Buckingham comedy of errors of sorts. It goes like this.

Robin thinks Chrissy Cunningham might be her non platonic soulmate. She's smart, a little goofy, observant, seems like a great listener, and after what the rumor mill is saying was a pretty intense summer has really come into her own. It's a shame she went straight from dating Jason to Eddie Munson.

"She said she's working on herself," Steve claims, more in tune with the gossip than she is, "pretty hypocritical of you to say guys and girls can't be friends."

Which is pretty hypocritical of him when she knows he only cares cause he's already planning his wedding to Chrissy's new boyfriend; he needs Eddie to be single otherwise he's pining away for his perfect co-babysitter for nothing.

But it doesn't matter if they are dating or if they aren't or if Chrissy Cunningham with her perfect strawberry blonde ponytail is her soulmate, because her parents keep trying to set her up with some friend of a friend. She needs to do something quick before disaster strikes.

Melissa and Richard Buckley still know how to tie one on, when the occasion strikes. They're parents now, they've settled down some. Given in to the picket fence life, keep their yard mowed so Gayle Collins down the way stops glaring. They haven't done anything really crazy since that weekend they left Robin with Minerva and went to see what that whole Woodstock thing was about. Now they mostly just stick to getting as high as they can and stargazing on the weekends that Robin is off with Steve, a sweet boy kind of a square but the brownie recipe he gave them makes the best edibles.

Melissa can tell her daughter is lonely, she notices a lot of things about Robin that she won't tell them. Richard has noticed that their dealer Eddie has started bringing a friend along with him. Eddie is a sweet boy too, raised well respects his elders something they care about now that they've become them, he is also obviously and fantastically gay. Like all the parents in Hawkins, Richard and Melissa have heard how Wayne Munson has taken in that Cunningham girl after she came back from her trip out of state. Melissa remembers being a vaguely out of control youth and knows that a trip out of state is code for one of two things, and Chrissy doesn't look like she's ever been pregnant. Chrissy seems like a girl who might like their daughter.

Steve would die before he denies Robin just about anything. She is the platonic love of his life, they nearly died together, they've come out together. He's pretty sure as long as he has Robin and his kids he'd be content for the rest of his life, romance be damned.

A sentiment Robin seems to agree with since she wants him to fake being her boyfriend. Obviously, he says yes. Steve is a good boyfriend, he's always been a good boyfriend. He's attentive, great with parents, knows when to keep the pda to a minimum but also knows when to put on a show. He used to be pretty sure that Mr. and Mrs. Buckley liked him. So he's not really sure why they pulled him aside before movie night.

"Your parents hate me."

"There isn't a parent in Hawkins who hates you."

"You mom just asked me if I didn't think it might be better if I found someone more suited to me."

"What does that even mean?"

"It's basically mom code for I think your the worst person my daughter could have brought home. If I had the choice I'd kill you so why don't you do us both a favor and fuck off."

"I don't think that's right."

"Rob, I love you but conversational nuance isn't exactly your thing."

Eddie likes his job. Sure it's technically not honest work, but who knows maybe down the line they'll legalize it. He's getting in on the ground floor, an entrepreneur. Hawkins is surprisingly pro-weed and Eddie is just fine sticking to that after this summer. His favorite customers are the old folks. Like Miss Brenda at the library or the Buckleys. He always brings Chrissy along when he goes out these days, she feels weird staying in the trailer by herself and he likes having her nearby. She puts people at ease.

Except the Buckleys, who seem strangely obsessed with her. They ask her pointed questions about Dorothy, and surely they mean an actual Dorothy, surely the nice middle aged couple aren't trying to figure out if Chrissy is queer. Sure he got some vibes off of Buckley the younger, but that was before she started dating the love of his life. Now he's starting to think his whole gaydar has gone to shit.

Chrissy, a baby gay who has just broken free of the nastiest case of comp het Eddie has ever seen, answer honestly. She doesn't know a Dorothy, is that one of Robin's band friends? How is Robin, she is so sweet. Chrissy just wishes she had more time in the day so they could see each other more. She's dating Steve right, they make just the cutest couple, don't they think?

Eddie can tell Melissa doesn't. A surprise when even Wayne likes Steve Harrington, thinks he's the bees knees. Loaned him a screwdriver or some shit when the guy was over fixing something at the Mayfield place. She smiles though and agrees that Steve is quite sweet, in a tone that Eddie is far more used to hearing used when people are talking about him than about Steve Harrington. He blinks and the next thing he knows Chrissy is agreeing for them both that dinner on Friday sounds lovely; she'll bring a dessert.

Like she's ever baked in her life.

Chrissy Cunningham has had a rough couple of months, but she's settled now. Sure, she had a breakdown so bad in Eddie's trailer that she ended up having to get professional help; but she got that help and a new support system for herself. Really, the only way life could be much better is if she were dating Robin Buckley.

Eddie likes to tease her, calls her a baby gay like she's a wobbly legged deer still figuring things out. She's had eyes on Robin since the fifth grade, when she got her hair cut short to her shoulders the first time and her teeth still had a gap before her braces went on. Steve is a great guy, she's seen him with the group of freshmen that follow him around like ducklings; she's also watching him now and he's spent most of dinner making moon eyes at Eddie instead of his girlfriend.

She doesn't understand how, Robin is a vision. Full of spit and vinegar, she is firecracker mad glaring at her parents across the table. "You really brought him here? I'm dating Steve, can you not accept that?"

A lot happens at once, Chrissy isn't entirely sure what is going on but it feels a lot like a pot boiling over, something left too long unattended.

"We aren't trying to set you up with our dealer," Mr. Buckley said. "You're not exactly his type."

"Chrissy is such a nice girl." Mrs. Buckley tries.

"You said you stopped that," Steve to Eddie, a lethal pout on his lips and downturned eyes.

"Well, I stopped with the kids," Eddie tries, "I gotta pay the bills somehow, sweetheart."

"Chrissy?" If Robin was a vision in her sharp eyed rage, she's radiant in her pink cheeked surprise.

Once the shock, surprise, and comedy wear off Chrissy thinks there will be tears. Robin's parents seem nice. They seem like the kind of parents you confide in and who hold you tight. She thinks about her mom doing something thoughtful, thinks of her quietly accepting who she is and who she loves; and when she can't do that she thinks of Wayne and Eddie and knows she'd cry once they were alone and the theater of it all was over. So she thinks she might need to make the most of her moment while it's there. "I don't want to be a homewrecker," she jokes, something she's picked up from Eddie, "but I think your boyfriend has his eyes other places."

"Boyfriend, what boyfriend?"

"They're showing Clue at The Hawk this weekend, if you want to go with me?"

Robin can't nod her head fast enough.

"Stevie, I noticed you find yourself newly single," Eddie says, sorrow so fake he should rethink his decision to go within 10 feet of the drama department. "If you could bear it, would you want to crash their date make it a double?"

Steve agrees so fast a bit of hair escapes his coif, it falls in a curl at his forehead.

Robin's parents both seem pleased, pleasant smiles that chrissy is becoming more accustomed to seeing on adults now that she resides in the Munson place. "They'll be smug about this forever," Robin confides. Her smile betrays her lack of real dismay.

Chrissy got her girl and her best friend got his boy, so she thinks it's all's well that ends well.